The Naked Friend Thang!

Okay, so I met this guy over 8 months ago. Didn't mean to fall for him. Didn't find him all that on our first date and actually wasn't planning to go out with him again. Then he calls me and we talk and I agree to a second date. There was something about that phone conversation that made me give this guy a second chance. Now, he is a player ladies. Maybe he just knew what I wanted to hear. That is probably the naked truth...but who knows. I think it had something to do with his manly chivalrousness. I got the sense that he would take a bullet for me. He has a strong protection vibe about him that made me feel all safe and cozy. He was the first older man I have ever dated...in his early 50's which is usually out of my age range for dating...but I made an exception because he looked much younger than his age. And upon further inspection, had one hell of a nice body. He lifted weights and took care of himself. So now I don't automatically write off older men if they are healthy and fit.

He seemed into me and by the third date, I was very into him. Many reasons for that...one of which was that he was the first guy I had dated in over 15 years! Yes, ma'am ladies. I was finally getting out on the dating scene since my ex left two and a half years before. I'd not felt like even looking at men much less date one for a long time. It was a huge devastation when my husband left me for a younger and more beautiful woman...but let us not digress.

He liked me and I liked him...things were going well and then I realize that he is seeing other women and sleeping with them! It just made me sick to my stomach and I confronted him and told him that. He did tell me on our first date that he does not commit until he has known the woman for about 6 months. So I struggled through this wanting to see him but knowing that he was also dating other women as well. It was very hard. I had grown to love the guy! It really took me by surprise! My girlfriend had to point it out to me that I had fallen for him! He did feel bad about it because he knew I was a good girl and deserved a commitment from a man. So somewhere in there he cooled off our situation even though I resisted it. It did not cool off my heart desire for him.

It is now 8 months that he has known me...passed his 6 month thingy about committing...and he has put me into "friend for life" category! F that! Ugh! He is not actively dating anymore. Says he is practicing celibacy...not sure if I believe him. He probably is for the most part, but you never know with this guy. He struggles with his passion for beautiful women.

I am making him sound like such a jerk. He really isn't. That is the problem. He is actually a good man with a good heart and a spiritual man. These characteristics are hard to find in men these days. He commands my respect which is hard to do. In fact, I give him a respect I never gave my ex. He was hurt badly in his marriage and is being quite picky and slow about getting into a relationship. He is very ego driven and cares what others think and how they perceive him...so he wants a gorgeous barbie doll at his side. His first wife was a model. Apparently quite gorgeous...but I guess he didn't learn his lesson. He still wants another one. Those kind of women, for the most part, know they can have almost any man so they are very hard to please and will drop a guy in a second if he breaths wrong. Why would any guy want that? Well, I guess for the ego stroke they are willing to put up with the drama and hell of a woman like that. Whatever!

Needless to say...I am not that woman in his eyes! But he does "like" me. Actually, he tells me he "loves" me. That's sweet. Yeah, I love my friends, too. Whatever!

Yes, it stings my ego that I am not that gorgeous barbie doll to him...but if I was...I probably would not be interested in him anyway! ha!

So I go through my moments of just loving him and just hating him for rejecting me. I know he values my friendship. However, I want more than a friendship. I have been so patient and kind with this guy...giving him his space and listening to his dating fiascos and even saving his ass in one situation that could have ended quite badly for him.

And yes, he has taught me a lot about men and the areas where I need to heal and improve. In that sense, he has been a good spiritual lesson for me. He is a blessing in disguise.

My struggle is in letting go of wanting a deep, intimate and loving relationship with him. He has my heart. I have actively attempted to stop what my heart feels, but I can't. As long as I have a connection with him, he triggers my heart. And lately, I have seen and experienced new sides of him that make me fall in love over and over again.

True torture! Torture of the Heart!

I do value our friendship and enjoy my time with him...which is not that often. We do text and talk on the phone every once in a while. I do attend church with him sometimes even though it is not my religion. I enjoy sharing that spiritual time with him. We even prayed together recently which I found very moving. I had never prayed with a man before. It is these deeper qualities in him that tug at my heart on a very deep level.

A friend...a friend? I just have such a hard time accepting that. I know that I need to just release and accept. Easier said than done.

And, yes, I do continue to meet other men and date. However, he still has my heart which makes it hard for another man to come into it. I know that. So it is going to take a very amazing and special guy to break through this heart love I have for this guy. And if that special guy does come along and makes me release my love for this other guy...then he is a keeper!

I know something divine is going on here...I probably need to just move out of the way and let it happen as it may. You never know. Stranger love stories have happened.

And that's the naked truth!